"She was tired of just existing; she wanted to live.”


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I swear I just heard Misty bark…

I still can’t believe she’s gone…and it breaks my heart, she’s been with me for 13 long years. :’(

I’ve lost so much, too much to bear already, this year…and now it seems I’ve truly lost my best friend and the love of my life after 17 long months of spending everyday together or at least talking everyday. His betrayal is a killing blow…it has utterly hurt beyond words and crushed all my hope, the hope that was keeping me going, keeping me alive. The one person I gave my all, trusted and cared for above all else, tried my hardest for, gave literally everything I had, would of done anything for, has given up on me and stabbed me in the back right through my heart…and has completely broken me; destroyed all the progress I had made and taken away all my happiness from me.

I have nothing left…I am worthless, I am alone, I am dead inside…I have nothing left to lose.

I truly rather die…


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Wer mit Ungeheuern kämpft, mag zusehn, dass er nicht dabei zum Ungeheuer wird. Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.

"He who fights with monsters should see to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you."

Friedrich Nietzsche
“Beyond Good and Evil”, Aphorism 146 (1886).

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I just want to scream at the top of my lungs until the world comes crashing down and there’s nothing left…until it’s all finally over.

That is how much pain I’m in, that is how utterly miserable I have been for far too long…that is how hopeless and helpless I’ve become. So completely broken by this world, this life I was given that I want the whole world to burn with me in misery, in pain, in destruction…maybe so that in the end I’m not so alone…

This world…every single person who I’ve ever trusted, valued, cared for, just everything, above all else has done nothing but stab me in the back right through my heart in the end. And I’m not just talking about love, the closest of friends too. Yet I have never done that to a single person in my life, and I truly thought it over extensively and I found I truly never have. Even if unintentional, any pain I caused I always went to great lengths to fix, to make right.

I have been used, abused, lied to, led on, tricked, betrayed, abandoned, beaten down both physically and emotionally through actions and words, broken in many ways, looked down upon, accused, ostracized, violated, victimized…and so much more…

It seems my life has come to breaking point, as it has many times before…but this time is different I guess because I don’t even have the strength or energy to either try to make this better or end it all. This life of too constant extreme pain with only short lived bursts of joy has worn me down to the point I’m just slowing wasting away, until smoking, alcohol or the lack of food or sleep finally kill me.

And I know that no one but my family would even really care…all those I thought that would I was so wrong about, they would mourn like a distant cousin would and get over it in an hour…and just forget…

I am nothing. I am worthless. I am no one. I am broken…just the shell of a girl who gave her heart and soul, her all, to everyone else for their happiness but was forgotten, left behind, alone when she needed the simplest things from those she gave everything…for them to truly care and be there in return…

I feel like I’m already dead, but worse, because I’m still here and still hurting beyond words…it is far to late for me to save myself for this misery, they have stolen and crushed any pride, any self confidence or self esteem, any hope or strength I had left in my beaten and bruised heart and mind…maybe there’s the slight chance someone can save me, but the one I think who has an actual chance at it I know wouldn’t even bother trying…even though the love and friendship we shared was once so great and beautiful…

In short, I’ve completely lost all hope…

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The point where we break gets closer everyday. But where do we go? But where do we go?

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I know there’s nothing left worth staying for.

See I don’t think I can fight this anymore.

But something has to die to be reborn.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

Misty and poor old Hershey 💔
The day we got her. It’s been 13 long years. I am so sad you’re gone 😢
I miss you already so much, you’ve been with me for so long…I can’t believe you’re gone. RIP Misty 💔😭
She was such an adorable puppy…I still remember when I got her. 😢