Kathleen/22/Virginia

"She was tired of just existing; she wanted to live.”

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Being back here is honestly kinda hard for me right now with the way things are…

It brings back so many memories, which only make me sad and miss how things used to be even more. Also, it’s silly, but I’m scared of running into him, I guess because it will only make me sadder and because I’m scared of how he’d react; like would he say hi? Or treat me like a stranger? But at the same time I also hope to run into him so he can see I’m managing fine without him, how I’ve lost weight and I guess just so he is reminded of how things used to be…the good times, by seeing me. I wonder if being on campus brings back memories of our long time together for him too. I wonder if he thinks of me at all. I wonder if maybe he even sometimes missed me a little…

I wish with all my heart that things would just go back to normal…we’d be close friends again like we used to be, talking everyday and hanging out often. I really miss it all…I wish he’d text me “hey” or something, and then everything would be okay again, like he promised me it would be on my birthday…

Fuck. I don’t want to be here. It just makes me feel so shitty. :(

So tomorrow will be the start of a whole new hell of loneliness and sadness that I’ll have to survive…

Honestly, I am scared. Terrified even…I guess I have truly lost the friendship and more, the way things used to be, that made me happy and really was my life, my everyday, for so long…and that deeply saddens me more than words can describe. I would give/do anything for things to just go back to how they were then…infinitely more so for how they were this time last year. Sure, things weren’t always perfect, but there were many good, even great, times and at the beginning of this year, everything was so great and things were improving, becoming better then ever before. I remember how happy I was then…but then I was banned and my life, my world, everything I dedicated my all to for so long, began to crumble away…and now it seems I have lost it all, lost that which made me so happy. If only I could turn back time…

But I have changed, I am stronger…maybe also colder, less sensitive to the pain. I know I cannot just run and hide from the sadness, loneliness, the memories, and pain that I will have to face starting tomorrow. And I know I can endure, I can survive, even though I also know I will be extremely unhappy. And I tried, I really really tried so very hard to repair and renew the way my life was only months ago, the things that made me happy and had become my world. I tried so hard…but in the end things only grew worse and all I had given, how hard I tried, everything was in vain.

And to be completely honest, the loss causes me more pain then all the pain I felt from the over a year period spent with him combined…it is truly excruciating. And I have finally given up, I have lost hope…not only about that but I think I have lost all hope for everything in general. Slowly over these months I have changed in response to all the pain, sadness and anger. And now I seem to have grown mostly numb and pessimistic, or well realistic really. I do feel, especially the sadness and pain of being betrayed and abandoned by the only one I trusted and cared for above all else, but mostly I feel just numb. And I’m okay with that.

I would give the world for things to change and for a chance to start over what we once had, but differently. But there is nothing more I can do…and if I hadn’t lost all hope then maybe I could say I can only hope and wait. But I have no hope, or at least I can’t feel it anymore. But regardless, I will survive, even though it will be a pathetically miserable and lonely life for who knows how long. But I do not want to die…but also I don’t see the point in trying any longer at attaining the happiness I want either. Maybe that sounds strange, but I guess this world finally broke something in me, maybe my emotions or empathy, I don’t know. But honestly, I just can’t see any hope in me trying, rationally all I see is that it will only lead to more pain. So why bother? And I think I just don’t care. I’ve been fighting the constant horrible shit this world throws at me constantly on my own, all alone, for so long…I’m just used to it I guess. I might not be okay, but I’ll survive. I guess…

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever, you will surely drown
I see what’s going down.

I see the way you go and say you’re right again,
say you’re right again
Heed my lecture.

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well, I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s gon’ to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

Face down in the dirt,
she said, “This doesn’t hurt”,
she said, "I finally had enough."

One day she will tell you that she has had enough